What is perfectionism? I work with so many clients, especially women, who self-identify as perfectionists.
Signs that you may be a perfectionist:
- Your best is never good enough.
- You have an all or nothing approach.
- The fear of doing something imperfectly can make you procrastinate or not do it at all.
- The voice of your inner critic is loud and constantly tells you that you could have done better.
- When you meet your goals, your standards only get higher.
- You spot mistakes where others don’t see any.
Do any of these signs describe you? If so, you’re not alone.
Understanding the root of your perfectionism can shed light on some of your perfectionistic tendencies & where they came from.
If you self-identify as a perfectionist, these behaviors or tendencies were likely reinforced. But you may have gotten to a point where you recognize that your unrelenting standards and impossible demands are no longer serving you.
Here are 5 questions to reflect on the impact that perfectionism has had in your life:
- When did you first feel the need to be perfect?
- How have you been positively reinforced for striving for perfection over the years?
- What are you afraid might happen if you let go of perfectionism?
- How might you feel liberated if you loosen some of your standards?
- What would you do if perfectionism didn’t hold you back?
Often, perfectionistic tendencies can get overlooked, especially because most of these behaviors are rewarded or reinforced externally. This makes it all the more challenging to consciously let go of perfectionistic tendencies.
Here’s what it would look like to let go of perfectionism:
- You’d be able to set realistic standards for yourself.
- You’d stop beating yourself up over small mistakes.
- You’d be able to forgive yourself for past mistakes.
- You’d truly be able to celebrate your successes.
In CBT, healing perfectionism requires both cognitive work and behavioral work.
Cognitively, it’s necessary to identify unhelpful perfectionist cognitive distortions or unhelpful thinking patterns.
Here are 3 common perfectionist thinking errors:
- BLACK & WHITE THINKING: Things are seen as either perfect or a total failure.
- MUSTs & SHOULDs: Must & should statements reflect rigid rules that perfectionists create for themselves. Rules & standards that they feel must be met in order to be worthy/loved.
- MAGNIFICATION/ MINIMIZATION: Magnifying the negatives & minimizing the positives.
For example, perfectionist thoughts might sound like:
- ”I must do this perfectly.”
- ”If I don’t accomplish this, I’m a failure”
- ”Everyone will notice that I made a mistake.”
- ”I’m such an idiot for doing that.”
Instead, try challenging those unhelpful thoughts and reframing them to sound something like this:
- ”I’m going to try my best.”
- ”My worth is not based on external accomplishments. If I don’t succeed at this one thing, it doesn’t mean I’m a total failure.”
- ”I’m more likely to notice my mistakes than others. It’s possible that others might not notice or care.”
- ”I’m human just like everyone else. I am allowed to make mistakes in order to learn and grow.”
Do you hear how that shift in thinking creates a totally different feeling? It’s a much gentler and compassionate approach.
Behaviorally, in order to heal from perfectionism, this requires you to intentionally shift your behaviors. This could include conducting behavioral experiments with the help of a CBT therapist and doing things like: intentionally making a mistake, only reviewing an email once before sending, dialing back the effort you put into minor tasks that don’t hold a lot of weight. Actively making these behavior changes will help teach you that easing off some of your perfectionist tendencies likely will not have the negative outcome that you’ve imagined in your mind. You’ll be able to learn firsthand that others in your life still love you and you can accomplish great things without the added weight of perfectionism on your shoulders.
Challenging & eventually shifting these thoughts all starts with creating awareness around the thoughts & being able to identify them in the moment.
Consider this: How would your life look different if you loosened the grip on your perfectionistic tendencies? How would you feel as a result?
If you’re struggling with perfectionism and would like additional support, reach out to Mindful Mental Health Counseling to work with a therapist to help you overcome perfectionism.
